i have never wanted to participate in any sort of public ugliness with people i once considered friends. its negative and builds nothing. its only purpose is to hurt. its a shallow action. a desperate attempt to satisfy the ugliest parts of your ego. there is no example of me disparaging, insulting, blaming, defaming or casting doubt on anyones character who i’ve had any type of real love for and considered crew at one point no matter how things may have turned out… no matter what they may say about me or what i may think about them behind the scenes. for me, i always thought it made one look small and angry. i always felt like that type of public ranting and vitriol reflected failure, weakness, insecurity and pettiness and i’ve seriously regretted it when i’ve been involved in anything that resembles that, even peripherally. as good as it feels in the moment it almost always backfires. the same person who (non artistically) desperately seeks public affirmation of his anger and resentment ends up actually hurting himself more in the eyes of the strangers he’s trying to communicate with. by the same token, defending yourself against that type of attack plays right in to the whole thing and immediately puts you on the same level as the person attacking you. beyond that the fact is that for me, the relationships that i’ve had in my life that have fallen apart make me sad, not angry. the friendships that have ended in my life are a source of huge regret for me and i constantly wonder if there was something i could have done to change the outcome. so i don’t have it in me to kick and scream and curse the world for not handing me everything i think i deserve. i’ll do that in my music, if need be. its better that way. that much i have learned.
I’m also not the type of person who feels like he’s a victim of circumstance. every choice made along the line has different results. it seems irrational and immature to me to create a world in ones head in which somehow, magically, there is an external reason that justifies every single reality of your life… and not one of those reasons is you. a world in which you are just in every action and innocent in every interaction. a life in which you only consider and retain the ideas that justify your perspective and completely ignore all other realities that exist and might, if you took a moment to consider them, make any (rational) person think a little longer before they lashed out and tried to destroy some one else’s character.
it takes a special type of ego to literally delude oneself in to thinking that you have the moral right of way in every scenario. it takes clinical insanity to think things are one way when in fact they are the opposite. for instance:
lets say (as a metaphor, of course) someone was morbidly obese but thought he was a ninja. that would be kind of crazy, wouldn’t it? or if that morbidly obese person didn’t make the connection between his eating habits and his weight. crazy. now if that same massively, morbidly obese person walked around calling people who were less than half his weight “fat”, how should they react? on the one hand its obviously crazy for this hugely fat man to be calling you fat. but on the other hand he keeps fucking saying it. over and over. to anyone who will listen.
i’ve tried to ignore it. i’ve tried to squash it. i’ve tried to take the high road because i assumed that like me, everyone must have better things to occupy their time with. apparently not. every other day there is a new vitriolic rant aimed at dismantling me or someone i care about, despite the fact that i haven’t fired one single shot in the direction they are coming from. not one.
now i don’t have any interest in trying to make anyone see things the way i see them or arguing about/defending the past. i wont do the back and forth point by point defense with someone whos only path to generate any type of publicity for himself seems to be exactly that type of public argument. a person who literally is interviewing himself in order to push a smear campaign forward. a man who has made it his personal mission in life to focus all his energy on the very people who were close to the friend he claims to have loved with a constant barrage of misspelled and badly punctuated lies, insults, accusations, epithets, slander and threats. someone who seemingly has no humility or perspective on his own fallibility. someone whos anger has driven him to the edge of sanity. whos own life is seemingly so joyless and directionless that the only thing he can think to do is reach out and try and inflict pain.
and by the way, when i say “close to the friend he claims to have loved” i mean close. I’m talking that our lives will never be the same close. the real deal. the kind that comes with pain no one wants and that no one with a soul would brag about as though it were a credibility issue or as though love were something you had to prove as opposed to just feel. not the idea constructed to make you feel good about yourself or justify your perspective in the eyes of other people or yourself. friendship isn’t the collective little favors you’ve done for someone that you keep record of and hold against them even after they die. its not a song you may have recorded with someone years ago and its not a conversation you may have had. its bigger than that.
its sad to me that you, and you know who you are, don’t understand that. its painful to sit here and take your abuse knowing the true nature of your character and how utterly easy it would be to expose it. the temptation to publish certain correspondences you’ve been a part of is overwhelming. i have no doubt in my mind that any one who would see those would walk away from reading them with a very different perspective on your moral fiber and your character in general. a younger me would do it in a heartbeat. and yet what good would come out of it? what are we all trying to prove to each other? it would only lead to even more ranting, more insults and more bullshit. no one would learn a thing and i would have wasted another minute of my life.
and i don’t hate you. i don’t want to hurt or destroy you. you were my friend. i wanted you to succeed. now i just find you to be a sad character. twisted, angry and resentful and squandering your time on mean spirited pursuits. its depressing.
now i’m sure the person i’m writing this all about will just respond in his usual manner after reading this. denial, anger, threats, capital letters, misused question marks and exclamation points and more accusations. but i’ve got a suggestion for a better way to proceed… just let it go. you’ve gotten your rocks off. you’ve said your peace. now make some music. stop lecturing the world and contribute while you still have time. none of this shit means anything. at all. go make the art you believe in and spend not one more second trying to take other people down or blaming people for the place you find yourself in life. spend time with and cherish the people you love while they are still alive so you dont find yourself feeling like you have to defend the validity of your commitment to them after they’re gone. be grateful for the things you have and wish no man harm. be happy or die trying. i know i will.
by the way if you truly did love Camu and were close to him then I’m sure you feel the same pain my friends and i do. if that really is the case then I’m sure the futility of arguing and fighting with people has never been more obvious to you. it is to me.
if you loved him then you are one of us… the heartbroken members of a club we never wanted to join… and I’m sorry for your loss.
ps: im not going to be approving comments about this blog. i didn’t write it to rally people against anyone or to create “sides”.